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Posts Tagged ‘sad’

  1. In your face, cancer

    March 31, 2011 by superlative

    I haven’t got cancer.

    Well, not where I was worried about anyway. I suppose I could have cancer somewhere else that I don’t know about, but shush you, stop bringing me down.

    So hurrah. In your face, cancer, and up your bum.

    I went and saw my Mr Doctor Specialist Man today at the hospital, and while I do have to go back for a scan and a follow-up appointment in a few weeks time, he was pretty certain the minute I walked in that what I was describing wasn’t cancer. And then after the examination (he hand warm hands at least) and a painstakingly drawn diagram on a piece of paper that he didn’t really need to do, he just said “so it’s this, and we CAN do something about it if need be, but if it’s stopped giving you pain now then it won’t be worth it and we’ll just keep an eye on it”.

    So that’s good news I suppose. I’d have rather in a way that he’d said they would do something about it straight away, because now I’m going to be waiting for it to start hurting again, but he was so confident that it’s not something I need to worry about that it did make me feel better.

    So I can stop being morbid, and worrying, and crying now, and try to get back to normal. But I’ll maybe take it easy for a while, just to be sure. And I’ll try to stop writing depressing posts; maybe I’ll post a picture of a nice cat or something in a minute to lighten the mood.

  2. Feeling a bit better

    March 29, 2011 by superlative

    I’ve been feeling a bit better for the last couple of days. I’ve not been in pain since Sunday, although the weekend was quite bad, but not being in pain makes it so much easier not to worry and feel anxious all the time, and it means you can get on with doing other things more easily.

    It has to be a good thing surely if the pain has gone away, because I would have thought that something serious like cancer wouldn’t cause pain and then just stop, it would presumably just carry on. That’s what I’m hoping at the moment anyway, and to be fair the doctor told me at the outset it was unlikely to be cancer in any case.

    I’ve also been trying to worry less, and be less concerned about minor aches and pains and having a high temperature and things. I know my anxiety problem is the most likely explanation for those, and again if cancer were going to give you, say, pain in your legs, it wouldn’t do that for an hour and then move on to some other symptom elsewhere. Anxiety, on the other hand, can move your pain around all over the place as often as it wants, because that’s what anxiety does. And once I started thinking like that I started having fewer symptoms anyway.

    I think knowing I’ve only got to wait until Thursday for my appointment has helped a bit too, because it puts a potential end date on it when you know something might happen, rather than this vague feeling that you’re going to be in pain forever and you don’t know why.

    So yeah, I’m doing better at the moment, and I haven’t cried since Thursday last week, which is good because it was making my eyes all puffy and¬†unattractive.

  3. Still waiting

    March 25, 2011 by superlative

    UPDATE TO THIS POST: I’ve got my appointment now, as I had a letter waiting for me at home on the day I wrote this. It was dated Monday but I didn’t get it until Friday, which is a bit annoying. Appointment is next Thursday, so not as soon as I’d like – but it’s better than not knowing, and I’m not feeling too bad today (Saturday).


    I’m still waiting to hear from the hospital. I’m supposed to be seen within two weeks the doctor said, but it’s Friday now and I still haven’t even heard from them with an appointment date, let alone been seen.

    I’m going mad with worrying, I’m crying most days, and to make it worse I’ve got a whole host of other symptoms now that are probably unrelated but which I keep panicking about because I’m worried that they ARE related and I’m actually seriously ill.

    The pain from the lump hasn’t been so bad, and I’ve ended up not taking the ibuprofen the doctor recommended I take for it because it’s been upsetting my tummy a bit. Over the last couple of days I’ve felt tired, had aches in my joints, had headaches, and for the last couple of nights I’ve had a high temperature which today has lasted into the next morning as well.

    I just don’t feel well, and I don’t know if it’s me worrying myself ill or if I’ve got a stupid virus thing that happens to coincide with my other issue, or (and this is what I keep thinking) that I’ve got some kind of cancer that’s causing both my lump and has spread elsewhere in my body and is giving me all these other symptoms.

    Looking things up online is really unhelpful because it panics me so much, and because unfortunately practically every kind of symptom can be associated with cancer. Inability to fight off infections (I’ve had loads of viruses this winter); night sweats; tummy trouble (which I’ve been blaming on the ibuprofen); fatigue. All of them could be cancer-related, but normally you’d think oh that’s not very likely, I’ve just got a virus or a cold or whatever. Except I’ve also got a lump, and I can’t stop worrying and I can’t stop crying.

    When the hell are they going to ring me about my appointment? This is absolute torture. I’m going out of my mind, and quite possibly causing some of my symptoms through pure anxiety, but thinking that doesn’t help me either.

    I just want to know that my lump’s not cancer, and that if I’ve got other symptoms that they’re therefore separate and I don’t need to worry that I’m going to die.

    It’s horrible on Chris too because he knows I’m panicking and flapping, and he has to deal with me all the time and try to keep me calm, and it must be really hard for him. He says he’s not worried because he knows I haven’t got cancer because the doctor doesn’t think it’s that and the scan is just to confirm it and be sure. And he points out that I’m finding different symptoms every day at the moment, which seems odd – you’d think cancer would cause symptoms that would stay put, not move around and be different every day.

    I just want to be well, and happy, and not be worrying all the time. I want my fucking scan. This has been a horrible, horrible week.

  4. Heavy post. You might not want to read it.

    March 21, 2011 by superlative

    You might not want to read this post, because it’s not going to be very much fun. I’m not sure if I’m even going to post it, but I feel like I need to write it, just because I’m sitting here unable to think about anything else anyway.

    So feel free not to read this post, and you’ve got only yourself to blame if you do.

    I had to go to the doctor’s this morning because I found a lump. You know, a lump ‘down there’, somewhere where you generally hope never to find any kind of lump. After being prodded around quite painfully by a pointy-faced doctor woman, I’ve been told I have to go to the hospital for a scan.

    Naturally I’m rather upset and rather terrified. The last place I want to be at the moment is at work typing this.

    It’s going to take up to two weeks for me to hear from the hospital, which seems like a very long time for me to sit here worried sick about it. If I haven’t heard in two weeks I’m to contact the GP’s surgery again, but if I haven’t heard in two weeks I think I’ll have lost my marbles by then anyway.

    The doctor did say that she thinks it’s probably a cyst, rather than anything more sinister. And if it’s a cyst then they normally wouldn’t even bother to treat it. I’m not sure if that means it’ll just go away or be there forever or what. But it hurts, walking and standing make it hurt, and a combination of the pain and the worry is making me feel sick to my stomach all the time.

    I was rather hoping the doctor would just be able to tell me what it is and maybe fix it without me going to hospital. Like maybe an infected gland or something that would either go away after a while or could be fixed with antibiotics. I was aware that a scan would probably be good anyway, just to make sure the doctor hasn’t misdiagnosed it, but at the same time you don’t want to be referred for a scan because that leaves the doorway open for it to be cancer.

    I don’t want to have cancer. I’ve always been terrified of getting it, like most people. Nothing fills me with horror more than the thought of dying young and slowly from cancer, and leaving Chris on his own forever.

    The only comfort that I can take is that even if it is cancer, cancer down there is one of the most treatable ones and 95-99% of people are fine afterwards. That’s what I’ve read anyway, during my unhelpful attempts at self-diagnosis via the internet.

    And she did seem to think it was a cyst because of where it is. So hopefully this is just a double-check, not her trying to keep me calm while I wait for my scan.

    I asked her if it’s a cyst, and if they don’t treat it, and given it causes me pain, does that mean I’m going to be in pain forever. And she didn’t really answer my question. She said to take some ibuprofen in the meantime if that pain is annoying. Well it is annoying because I have to be really careful how I walk and what I do now and I certainly can’t run anywhere because it would be agony. I’ve taken some ibuprofen just now and am waiting to see if it does anything. Paracetamol didn’t seem to help yesterday.

    So there, that’s where I am. I’m sad and I want to go home and hide. I want Chris.

    I put some music on on my phone as I caught the bus to work, and the first song that came on was called Dance With The Angels. No I don’t want to dance with the angels after my cancer death, I thought, so I skipped to the next song. The next song was Death Waltz. So cheers for that, stupid phone.

  5. A decision on my choices, choices and also I’m a grumpy fuck

    July 14, 2010 by superlative

    I’ve been thinking more about what course I might want to do from the selection that I identified before, and I think I might have reached a decision. I’ve been trying to get someone else to decide for me, as that’s what I usually do, but unfortunately no one else can make this decision on my behalf and they all seem aware of that fact, which is really rather inconvenient.

    I got a reply back (eventually) from the University of Leicester that basically said yes I can apply for the American Foreign Policy MA with my degree because they look at the “whole application including how you demonstrate relevant interest and experience”. So basically I can apply for it, but I’d need to show what experience and interest I have in American Foreign Policy. Aside from “I find it really interesting” and “I’ve read books about American politics”, I don’t actually have a lot I can say for that part though. Also, applying for an MA is rather involved and would mean getting two references from my former lecturers, filling in all sorts of crap on forms and photocopying lots of transcripts and things. So I kind of went off the idea at that point: I like American history and politics, but I don’t think I love it so much that I can even be bothered to complete the application process, let alone risk getting rejected for lack of relevant experience.

    I was also a bit put off by the notion of having to write hugely long essays again, and doing ‘online presentations’ for the MA course, whatever that means. I hate presentations though and always have done.

    So I think, I think I want to start with a maths module at the Open University. I’d start with just one (as they recommend), and then if I like it and I am coping OK with the workload I can pick up a second one in February and overlap them, and qualify for a Certificate in Mathematics within a year. That would give me something to work towards and something to show for it within one year. I could then consider whether I want to continue down the maths route, do a module in a different subject for a change, or just stop if I’m not enjoying it or my circumstances have changed. If I’m enjoying the maths I can do another two modules and get a Diploma, and build it up bit by bit like that.

    What’s putting me off a tiny bit still is that the first module costs ¬£370, which is quite a lot if I decide I hate it or don’t complete it or whatever. I don’t think it’s bad value, because it runs from October to June and covers loads of material, but I’m not feeling that flush with money at the moment and we’re meant to be saving up to buy a flat, and any big hits of expenditure I make like this affect my ability to put money into my savings.

    So that’s kind of where I’m at. I think I know what I want to do, but I hate taking the plunge and committing to anything in case it’s the wrong decision. I know, I’m such an exciting and spontaneous person. In a way it would be better if I just signed up, because then they send you a revision pack of all the maths stuff you ought to know before starting the module, and that would give me something to work on that would help with my chronic boredom and lack of fulfilment over the summer.

    Which brings me on neatly to the second part of my post: GOD I’m a grumpy, grumpy fuck and I don’t like it. Because I’ve been so bored at work lately, and because I basically have no mental stimulation and take no exercise, my moods in the evenings have been terrible. I’m just grumpy and grouchy the whole time, and the only thing that cheers me up even slightly is eating and drinking booze. Both of these things aren’t particularly good for me to do to excess, obviously. And yesterday I started to think I must be such awful company for Chris in the evenings. I know he gets fed up with my moodiness, although he doesn’t tend to give me a particularly hard time over it, he just occasionally gives me a little prod that I’m in a bad mood again. But I thought what if, at some point, he gets really REALLY fed up with it, and I haven’t noticed and by then it’s too late? I don’t want him to think “God this person is horrible to live with, he used to be fun and now he’s just like his depressing, petty witch of a mother”. What would happen then? Yes we’re married and committed, but I also know he’s far too rational and far too strong-willed to put up with me making him unhappy. He’s a really upbeat, energetic person, and I feel like I’m turning into a big millstone around his neck.

    So, having had these really rather upsetting revelations (I’m actually crying slightly as I type this, which is a bit annoying given I’m in the office, but don’t worry I just cry really easily anyway – another of my attractive qualities), I’m going to try TRY to do something about it. I’m an intelligent person and I know how to look at my own behaviour objectively, so that’s what I need to do.

    I shall try not to be so grumpy, particularly when there’s no actual cause for it other than me being a bit unfulfilled.

    I shall try to be nicer to him.

    And I shall try to be more fun and to make the effort to do more things when invited rather than saying “no you go, I’m too tired, I’m not in the mood”.

    So there. That’s it. I’m a grumpy fuck and I don’t like it, and I might do a maths course. I could have just summarised this 1,000-word blog post into that sentence really.