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Posts Tagged ‘Louis Walsh is sick’

  1. X Factor final 12

    October 5, 2009 by superlative

    What the fuck??? Once again the X Factor has managed to surprise us with a mixed bag of good singers, mediocre singers, and some truly unfathomable decisions. We’re now down to the final 12, the selection we will be repeatedly and forcibly exposed to over the coming weeks right up until Christmas.

    I could tackle this post in the same order as the last one, for consistency, but I think it is far more important that I move straight onto the groups first as I feel like I’m about to explode.
    The groups – Louis Walsh, sex pest and retard extraordinaire
    What the fuck??????? He put John and Edward through!!!!!!! I can’t BELIEVE it. It’s not that I can’t believe that Louis would do it, I can very much believe that, but I can’t believe he had the audacity to put through a ‘group’ who can’t sing, who stood there like a wet fucking weekend singing off key, and who then cried about how shit their performance was, and who Ronan Keating even said “well I can’t see why you like them”, but who he put through ANYWAY solely because he wants to finger them. It was SO bare-faced and transparent! There was no musical justification for it, and yet he just did it anyway.
    Of course, he can make the argument that putting in a group that everyone hates is ‘good television’. But he won’t be making that argument because he’ll be too busy jiggling up and down on their cocks to think about it. He claims they “have potential”. Potential is not enough by this stage of the competition! Potential is fine for the first audition, but then you boot them out at the second stage and say they’re not ready or aren’t strong enough. It was just ridiculous!
    If they had been two black twins from Battersea with those voices, would he have put them through? No. A million times no. Louis Walsh is a racist. Not because he wouldn’t put them through because they’re black, but because he so blatantly favours the Irish over all others and with complete disregard for their actual ability. It’ll probably come out in the papers in a few weeks that he knows their family or something, the same as it did with Simon and Leona, and that’s why he’s pushed them through. Or maybe he doesn’t know their family but their school is near his house and he used to look at them in the playground through the railings while toying with his Irish flute.
    So anyway, that was dreadful, just dreadful. Also through for the groups are Kandy Rain (meh, they’ll last two weeks) and Miss Frank. Miss Frank are OK, I don’t always like the rapping much, but they can sing reasonably well and aren’t doing badly considering they didn’t want to be a group.
    I’m glad he kicked out Harmony Hood, because they were crap and were just there to make up the numbers. They thought they were good because they were all urban and ‘street’, but I’m sorry, this isn’t Sister Act II: Back In The Habit, being from the gritty suburbs but having a heart of gold isn’t enough for this competition. If that’s what you’re hoping for I suggest you look for a fat black woman in a nun’s habit and ask her to make your musical dreams come true.
    The boys – Cheryl Cole
    This category wasn’t toooooooo bad. Fit Lloyd got through, but is a bit young and may crack under the pressure. She got rid of equally fit Ethan, but I agree that he didn’t sing all that well in his final performance. I don’t know why she tortured that opera boy by making him wait, she was never going to put him through. And Rikki Loney needs to give it up with the hats, it’s not a good look. Who was the other one? Oh yes, Joe. He’s alright, a bit wishy washy. Suspiciously he’s from South Shields like Cheryl is, so when she said “I felt like I knew you as soon as you walked in” it was a bit obviously just because he has the same accent. But anyway, I guess Lloyd is my favourite from this lot. He could do with not speaking though, he’s rather too Welsh.
    The girls – Dannii Minogue
    As I said before, I found it hard to identify individual girls from this category, and didn’t know that much about them. She’s put Rachel Adedeji though, which is fine. I suspect her real reason wasn’t that she liked her singing, but rather that she liked her prostrating herself before her at the end of Bootcamp (see previous photo).
    I quite like the Stacey that got through, she is dippy and sweet. She talks weirdly like Frank Spencer at times, which I find rather amusing. And the Lucy girl has a good voice so I suppose that’s OK.
    The overs – Simon Cowell
    Some odd decisions here again. Both the women got the chop, which is a shame because they had great voices. He was maybe concerned they would be overshadowed by the under 25 girls, or that they simply wouldn’t get the votes. He’s quite shrewd like that: he doesn’t necessarily pick the best singers, because he knows the public don’t vote for the best singers. Look at Eoghan Quigg: he was crap, and he had a big white face that slowly expanded through the series until he looked like Michael Myers from Halloween. But he got through to almost win it, so Simon knew what he was doing.
    Annoyingly, he kept Danyl, who is so retarded he can’t even spell Daniel. And this was despite his massively over-the-top performance, which included gurning and occasionally looking quite like Kermit the Frog. There is such a thing as adjusting your performance to suit your type of audience, and his monstrosity was just not suitable for two people on a sofa three feet in front of you. I don’t like him, he’s a knob.
    Jamie Afro is through, but he has been slightly raised in my estimation because he DID adjust his performance – he toned it down a lot, and it felt much more appropriate for the setting. I still don’t like him, I don’t think he’ll sell records, and I don’t know why he always has a fucking dishcloth tucked into his jeans. I don’t need my windows washed, thank you Jamie, although you could probably buff them to a nice shine with that afro.
    And finally there was big cheeks Olly. He’s okaaaaaaay in a hamstery sort of way. I suppose for novelty during Big Band week he could house the entire band actually in his cheeks, that might be fun. He’s not great though, he has bad bad hair and his voice is only OK. He’s no Austin Drage anyway.
    So yes, I was mildly disappointed. I think I want Lloyd to win (he’s probably not strong enough) or one of the girls (I don’t mind which at the moment).
    And John and Edward need to be beaten to death with a rusty rail spike.

  2. X Factor final 24

    September 28, 2009 by superlative

    The X Factor has finally progressed beyond its endless parade of mentally impaired and recently bereaved people, to a stage where you start to actually know who some of them are. Yes, it’s the Judges Houses, and from a pool of thousands of delusional retards we’re now down to 24, some of whom can actually sing! It’s exciting, I know.

    However, I’m not actually thrilled by their chosen selection. When they showed them all, I thought “Really? One of them is going to win? Oh.” So that’s not exactly great. There are also some that I want to kill with a claw hammer, but I suppose the X Factor wouldn’t be the X Factor if you couldn’t scream in rage at the screen from time to time.
    So, let’s see who we’ve got.

    The boys – Cheryl Cole
    Cheryl’s got a fair group of boys, considering I think they’re a harder group to work with as the voters don’t always warm to them. I don’t know much about Duane Lamonte, and Rikki Loney is just some boy in a hat. Ethan Boroian is sort of cute, and so is Lloyd Daniels, even if he is a bit young. He’s a big improvement on Eeyore Quigg at any rate. The other ones don’t really stand out for me, so I guess Ethan and Lloyd are my favourites. Not sure they’ve got the strongest voices though.

    The girls – Dannii Minogue
    This is easily the strongest category every year, so Dannii’s lucky they gave it to her. To compensate for her lack of musical knowledge or talent, they also revealed Kylie would be helping her out in picking her final three. Shame they can’t ditch funny-nostrilled Dannii in favour of Kylie completely. I don’t really know much about the girls though, because they’ve hardly shown most of them. There are a couple of quite good Staceys I think, and a girl called Rachel who fell on her face in her eagerness to get a closer look at Dannii’s nose.

    The overs – Simon Cowell
    Simon seemed quite pleased with his category, and I think he’s probably got my favourite act so far, Nicole Lawrence. Yes she milked the death of her Dad a bit, but she has that whole big fat black woman with a great voice thing going on which really does it for me. He also has Jamie Afro, who I can’t stand, and bizarrely has managed to find two people who can’t spell Daniel properly. One of them I hate, I think it’s Danyl Johnson, as he’s a complete and utter wank spittoon. It’s one thing to give a confident audition, but it’s quite another to completely frig yourself off on stage while shouting your own name (he didn’t actually do that, but he may as well have). He’s a knob anyway. I’m sure Simon won’t keep both him AND Jamie Afro though, they’re too similar in their wanky styles, so at least one of them should get the chop.

    The groups – Louis Walsh
    And once again, Louis has the groups. The only thing I have to say about this category, is what the FUCK? What the HELL are John and Edward still doing there? They’re TERRIBLE and they can’t sing. Louis says they ‘have something’. The only thing they’re going to have is Louis’ cock in their mouths as he forces them to nosh him off. He doesn’t even like novelty acts so what the hell is he doing? Actually, I know what he’s doing, he’s just always fancied the idea of a threesome with twins, so now that he’s got two blond Irish twins in his power he must be doing a leprechauny celebration jigdance all the way to his sex dungeon. They have to go, they just have to, in the name of all that is holy. And for child protection reasons.
    So, that’s the X Factor for this year. Not thrilling, and a possibly mediocre Christmas Number One on the way. I’ll still watch it of course, and some of them may even grow on me. You never know.