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Posts Tagged ‘control’

  1. Letting go

    May 30, 2013 by superlative

    Blog every day in May topic –┬áReact to this term: Letting go

    I can’t let go of things. I’m dreadful at letting go. I brood and I worry and I analyse and I plan. What if this happens, what if I’d said that, why didn’t I do that, if only I’d known, why did they have to, how can I be ready for. It goes on and on, around and around in my head, and I can’t let go.

    So my reaction to the term letting go is NO I DON’T WANT TO I DON’T KNOW HOW TO I WISH I COULD MAYBE YOU COULD LET GO FOR ME AND THEN I WON’T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT. See? I bet you’d never asked now.

    It comes back to my need to be in control of things. Letting go implies relinquishing that control. And if it’s letting go of something in the past, well usually the reason I haven’t let go is because I lost control of whatever it was and I’m beating myself up about it.

    I’m sure it can’t be good for me. Isn’t that how you get ulcers? Ulcers sound like something I’d get. I think they’d suit me. Either that or nervous exhaustion. I’m not sure if nervous exhaustion is a real thing though or if it’s just something you say so you can get signed off work.

    I would like to be better at letting go. I’d like to be able to think “I can’t change that. So never mind, I’ll just let go.” That would be very liberating and refreshing. Think of the freedom as it all drifts away. I don’t know if it’s something you can learn or if you’re just born with it though. A sort of ability not to care about things. Or an ability to set them away from you mentally at least.

    But I don’t think that I can. I might try to let go, but they’d wheedle their way back in so I can churn them around again. So I’ll just have to hang on grimly and drink milk of magnesia instead.

    [ONE DAY LEFT OF THIS STUPID BLOGGING CHALLENGE, OH MY GOD I’M EXHAUSTED]