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The Apprentice

27 May 2011 by superlative

This is a slightly different type of post to the ones I normally write, and I thought I would use it to write about a programme I started watching for the first time last year.

The Apprentice has been on since 2004, but I scrupulously avoided watching the first five series of it after declaring that “I don’t like Alan Sugar”. My position, without having watched the show, was that I don’t particularly want to see a man I regard as a jumped up runt with lots of money being rude to people. And alas because of this initial prejudice I missed out on five years of what the show is actually about: people who claim to be good everything turning out to be good at nothing, failing abysmally at tasks and looking ridiculous, and then being abruptly ejected from the programme after Alan Sugar has been rude to them.

It’s great! I actually cannot believe how stupid the people are, or how they can claim to be ‘good at business’ when they’re unable to cooperate, have no communication skills, and just spend most of their time driving round in taxis making bitchy comments about whichever contestant hasn’t made enough profit on the sherbet dipdabs.

Alan, now Lord, Sugar is barely in the programme really, and the tasks drive you to hate some of the contestants so much that you don’t mind when he pops up and crushes whatever self esteem they have left. And the contestants are so obsequious in their adoration of him (good afternoon Lord Sugar, yes Lord Sugar, no Lord Sugar), that it’s impossible not to want to see them given a good kicking.

His criticisms are sometimes a bit absurd, but it doesn’t really matter because they’re not allowed to answer back. You’ll have, for example, one team making a profit of £1,300 and the other making a profit of £1,100, and the ‘losing’ team will get slammed for their abject failure even though they were only a bit less successful than the other group. That doesn’t matter to Alan though, who proceeds to imply they must have suffered some sort of brain injury if they thought their idea was a goer.

I really enjoy watching it now and look forward to it each week. I don’t even mind Alan Sugar so much; he’s a bit like a stout Anne Robinson, playing up his mean persona for the sake of television and probably wanting to burst out laughing at the inanity of the contestants as much as we are.

Next week they have to come up with two new brands of cat and dog food. So I confidently predict that we will see: food that is indigestible to mammals; marketing materials that look like they were designed by a colour-blind 8 year old; an argument over who decided to name the product Nommy Chuff Chuff; and if we’re lucky, really really lucky, one of the female contestants will have their head attacked by a cat.

I can’t wait.


  1. Ruby A says:

    They can’t have filmed the episodes in the other they’re being shown. Edna totally had one of those cats killed and was wearing it on her head. I’m guessing she’s the one who got attacked…

    The Apprentice is GRATE. Even the ones who went to school with Gandhi, Jesus and Malcom X and Mother Theresa (like Melody, aka Kim Kardashian) are monumentally stupid and lack basic common sense. Edna is a business psychologist who appears to lack basic empathy or human emotion, which at least explain the frosted lipstick; Susan (aka Estee Lauder) is a whining eight-year-old. Vincent is played by Snoop Dogg, and Leon is played by Orlando Bloom (if you squint). Gotta love it 🙂

  2. Urban Cynic says:

    I can’t believe you’ve waited this long to see it you prat. BBBF hates this show as he can’t stand their delusions of grandeur but I think it’s brilliant. You sometimes really want to punch their smug little faces and you usually have a favourite by now.

    You need to go on YouTube and watch all the old ones – the American Apprentice is really good too!

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