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Still waiting

25 March 2011 by superlative

UPDATE TO THIS POST: I’ve got my appointment now, as I had a letter waiting for me at home on the day I wrote this. It was dated Monday but I didn’t get it until Friday, which is a bit annoying. Appointment is next Thursday, so not as soon as I’d like – but it’s better than not knowing, and I’m not feeling too bad today (Saturday).

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I’m still waiting to hear from the hospital. I’m supposed to be seen within two weeks the doctor said, but it’s Friday now and I still haven’t even heard from them with an appointment date, let alone been seen.

I’m going mad with worrying, I’m crying most days, and to make it worse I’ve got a whole host of other symptoms now that are probably unrelated but which I keep panicking about because I’m worried that they ARE related and I’m actually seriously ill.

The pain from the lump hasn’t been so bad, and I’ve ended up not taking the ibuprofen the doctor recommended I take for it because it’s been upsetting my tummy a bit. Over the last couple of days I’ve felt tired, had aches in my joints, had headaches, and for the last couple of nights I’ve had a high temperature which today has lasted into the next morning as well.

I just don’t feel well, and I don’t know if it’s me worrying myself ill or if I’ve got a stupid virus thing that happens to coincide with my other issue, or (and this is what I keep thinking) that I’ve got some kind of cancer that’s causing both my lump and has spread elsewhere in my body and is giving me all these other symptoms.

Looking things up online is really unhelpful because it panics me so much, and because unfortunately practically every kind of symptom can be associated with cancer. Inability to fight off infections (I’ve had loads of viruses this winter); night sweats; tummy trouble (which I’ve been blaming on the ibuprofen); fatigue. All of them could be cancer-related, but normally you’d think oh that’s not very likely, I’ve just got a virus or a cold or whatever. Except I’ve also got a lump, and I can’t stop worrying and I can’t stop crying.

When the hell are they going to ring me about my appointment? This is absolute torture. I’m going out of my mind, and quite possibly causing some of my symptoms through pure anxiety, but thinking that doesn’t help me either.

I just want to know that my lump’s not cancer, and that if I’ve got other symptoms that they’re therefore separate and I don’t need to worry that I’m going to die.

It’s horrible on Chris too because he knows I’m panicking and flapping, and he has to deal with me all the time and try to keep me calm, and it must be really hard for him. He says he’s not worried because he knows I haven’t got cancer because the doctor doesn’t think it’s that and the scan is just to confirm it and be sure. And he points out that I’m finding different symptoms every day at the moment, which seems odd – you’d think cancer would cause symptoms that would stay put, not move around and be different every day.

I just want to be well, and happy, and not be worrying all the time. I want my fucking scan. This has been a horrible, horrible week.


1 Comment »

  1. I cannot even begin to imagine the hell you are going through, all the worrying and the seemingly unending waiting.
    All I can do is wish you (and Chris) the strength you need to get through the next weeks while they do the tests, and (it goes without saying) hope that the news for you is good.

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