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Heavy post. You might not want to read it.

21 March 2011 by superlative

You might not want to read this post, because it’s not going to be very much fun. I’m not sure if I’m even going to post it, but I feel like I need to write it, just because I’m sitting here unable to think about anything else anyway.

So feel free not to read this post, and you’ve got only yourself to blame if you do.

I had to go to the doctor’s this morning because I found a lump. You know, a lump ‘down there’, somewhere where you generally hope never to find any kind of lump. After being prodded around quite painfully by a pointy-faced doctor woman, I’ve been told I have to go to the hospital for a scan.

Naturally I’m rather upset and rather terrified. The last place I want to be at the moment is at work typing this.

It’s going to take up to two weeks for me to hear from the hospital, which seems like a very long time for me to sit here worried sick about it. If I haven’t heard in two weeks I’m to contact the GP’s surgery again, but if I haven’t heard in two weeks I think I’ll have lost my marbles by then anyway.

The doctor did say that she thinks it’s probably a cyst, rather than anything more sinister. And if it’s a cyst then they normally wouldn’t even bother to treat it. I’m not sure if that means it’ll just go away or be there forever or what. But it hurts, walking and standing make it hurt, and a combination of the pain and the worry is making me feel sick to my stomach all the time.

I was rather hoping the doctor would just be able to tell me what it is and maybe fix it without me going to hospital. Like maybe an infected gland or something that would either go away after a while or could be fixed with antibiotics. I was aware that a scan would probably be good anyway, just to make sure the doctor hasn’t misdiagnosed it, but at the same time you don’t want to be referred for a scan because that leaves the doorway open for it to be cancer.

I don’t want to have cancer. I’ve always been terrified of getting it, like most people. Nothing fills me with horror more than the thought of dying young and slowly from cancer, and leaving Chris on his own forever.

The only comfort that I can take is that even if it is cancer, cancer down there is one of the most treatable ones and 95-99% of people are fine afterwards. That’s what I’ve read anyway, during my unhelpful attempts at self-diagnosis via the internet.

And she did seem to think it was a cyst because of where it is. So hopefully this is just a double-check, not her trying to keep me calm while I wait for my scan.

I asked her if it’s a cyst, and if they don’t treat it, and given it causes me pain, does that mean I’m going to be in pain forever. And she didn’t really answer my question. She said to take some ibuprofen in the meantime if that pain is annoying. Well it is annoying because I have to be really careful how I walk and what I do now and I certainly can’t run anywhere because it would be agony. I’ve taken some ibuprofen just now and am waiting to see if it does anything. Paracetamol didn’t seem to help yesterday.

So there, that’s where I am. I’m sad and I want to go home and hide. I want Chris.

I put some music on on my phone as I caught the bus to work, and the first song that came on was called Dance With The Angels. No I don’t want to dance with the angels after my cancer death, I thought, so I skipped to the next song. The next song was Death Waltz. So cheers for that, stupid phone.


  1. Urban Cynic says:

    I’m so sorry that you’re sitting at work feeling dread, fear & worry about what will happen. You are right in that these things are usually always fine if caught early and there’s nothing to worry about – I’m also sure that knowing this doesn’t make you feel any better.

    I’m sure a hug from Chris will do the job though. x

  2. Helen says:

    *offers gentle virtual hug*
    Someone close to me had this exact worry about 6 months ago. He had to have a scan, blood tests, etc and wait for several weeks. It was just a cyst in his case and it went away on its own. I’m sure it’ll be the same for you too, you don’t fall into any of the high risk groups. But I know that doesn’t prevent the worrying. I think the main thing is that you went to the Doctor’s, so many men wouldn’t. Much better to worry whilst being constructive than worry and pretend and take no action.

  3. superlative says:

    Thank you both for your comments. At the moment I’m feeling a little better.

    When I first found the lump I panicked and cried, but settled down once I’d decided “I can’t do anything until I go to the doctor.” Then knowing I’ve got to have a scan also made me panic, but I think I’m starting to feel similarly that I can’t do anything until the scan now. So I shall just sit tight and not watch anything about cancer on the telly.

    And sorry for the depressing post.

  4. Urban Cynic says:

    Don’t worry – that’s the point of having a blog: strangers can offer you advice and comfort without having to leave their house! (you’re more of a part of my daily life than most of my friends) Let us know what happens. x

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