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A decision on my choices, choices and also I’m a grumpy fuck

14 July 2010 by superlative

I’ve been thinking more about what course I might want to do from the selection that I identified before, and I think I might have reached a decision. I’ve been trying to get someone else to decide for me, as that’s what I usually do, but unfortunately no one else can make this decision on my behalf and they all seem aware of that fact, which is really rather inconvenient.

I got a reply back (eventually) from the University of Leicester that basically said yes I can apply for the American Foreign Policy MA with my degree because they look at the “whole application including how you demonstrate relevant interest and experience”. So basically I can apply for it, but I’d need to show what experience and interest I have in American Foreign Policy. Aside from “I find it really interesting” and “I’ve read books about American politics”, I don’t actually have a lot I can say for that part though. Also, applying for an MA is rather involved and would mean getting two references from my former lecturers, filling in all sorts of crap on forms and photocopying lots of transcripts and things. So I kind of went off the idea at that point: I like American history and politics, but I don’t think I love it so much that I can even be bothered to complete the application process, let alone risk getting rejected for lack of relevant experience.

I was also a bit put off by the notion of having to write hugely long essays again, and doing ‘online presentations’ for the MA course, whatever that means. I hate presentations though and always have done.

So I think, I think I want to start with a maths module at the Open University. I’d start with just one (as they recommend), and then if I like it and I am coping OK with the workload I can pick up a second one in February and overlap them, and qualify for a Certificate in Mathematics within a year. That would give me something to work towards and something to show for it within one year. I could then consider whether I want to continue down the maths route, do a module in a different subject for a change, or just stop if I’m not enjoying it or my circumstances have changed. If I’m enjoying the maths I can do another two modules and get a Diploma, and build it up bit by bit like that.

What’s putting me off a tiny bit still is that the first module costs £370, which is quite a lot if I decide I hate it or don’t complete it or whatever. I don’t think it’s bad value, because it runs from October to June and covers loads of material, but I’m not feeling that flush with money at the moment and we’re meant to be saving up to buy a flat, and any big hits of expenditure I make like this affect my ability to put money into my savings.

So that’s kind of where I’m at. I think I know what I want to do, but I hate taking the plunge and committing to anything in case it’s the wrong decision. I know, I’m such an exciting and spontaneous person. In a way it would be better if I just signed up, because then they send you a revision pack of all the maths stuff you ought to know before starting the module, and that would give me something to work on that would help with my chronic boredom and lack of fulfilment over the summer.

Which brings me on neatly to the second part of my post: GOD I’m a grumpy, grumpy fuck and I don’t like it. Because I’ve been so bored at work lately, and because I basically have no mental stimulation and take no exercise, my moods in the evenings have been terrible. I’m just grumpy and grouchy the whole time, and the only thing that cheers me up even slightly is eating and drinking booze. Both of these things aren’t particularly good for me to do to excess, obviously. And yesterday I started to think I must be such awful company for Chris in the evenings. I know he gets fed up with my moodiness, although he doesn’t tend to give me a particularly hard time over it, he just occasionally gives me a little prod that I’m in a bad mood again. But I thought what if, at some point, he gets really REALLY fed up with it, and I haven’t noticed and by then it’s too late? I don’t want him to think “God this person is horrible to live with, he used to be fun and now he’s just like his depressing, petty witch of a mother”. What would happen then? Yes we’re married and committed, but I also know he’s far too rational and far too strong-willed to put up with me making him unhappy. He’s a really upbeat, energetic person, and I feel like I’m turning into a big millstone around his neck.

So, having had these really rather upsetting revelations (I’m actually crying slightly as I type this, which is a bit annoying given I’m in the office, but don’t worry I just cry really easily anyway – another of my attractive qualities), I’m going to try TRY to do something about it. I’m an intelligent person and I know how to look at my own behaviour objectively, so that’s what I need to do.

I shall try not to be so grumpy, particularly when there’s no actual cause for it other than me being a bit unfulfilled.

I shall try to be nicer to him.

And I shall try to be more fun and to make the effort to do more things when invited rather than saying “no you go, I’m too tired, I’m not in the mood”.

So there. That’s it. I’m a grumpy fuck and I don’t like it, and I might do a maths course. I could have just summarised this 1,000-word blog post into that sentence really.


  1. Urban Cynic says:

    I think the maths course sounds like a good idea; it’s something tangible that can be used towards something later (possibly better paid, so it’ll eventually pay for itself) plus it’ll use your brain.

    You seem to be a bit unsure of what your purpose is lately & have nothing to challenge you. I would also suggest making something – I taught myself crochet & I love having something to do of an evening that is just for me, & serves no purpose. I found it more rewarding than even setting up my business as I can create something from my head & it’s an actual ‘real’ thing.

    You definitely need something to do; maybe even something you can do with Chris as well, something that’s new for both of you (some kind of cheesy dance class, sign up for a half marathon & train together, learn how to make sushi, or join an art class etc) this way you can both learn something together & have a laugh as well.

    You’re bored, not moving forward & not being challenged basically. And it’s making you grumpy. x

  2. superlative says:

    That last paragraph is exactly right. I used to do cross-stitch in the evenings sometimes (I’m really not painting a very good picture of my studly self in this blogpost), and I do jigsaws sometimes too. I haven’t done either for a while, but I might start doing something like that again alongside the maths course which I’m almost definitely going to do. Almost. Definitely.

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