God, I’ve been so busy this last week that I haven’t even had time to write on here. The wedding is now TWO days away, or 52 hours.
Mum has now kicked into major freak out mode and is stressing to the point that it’s making her ill, so I spent quite a bit of time on the phone to her last night helping to get her grounded again. She’s basically said she’s not going to be at any of the reception now, and will have to eat in her room or something. That’s probably a knee-jerk reaction, because she won’t know how she feels until the actual day and time, but I think she’s basically trying to set me up for a worst case scenario. I’ve already told her I don’t mind, several times in fact, but she still needs constant reassurance. She’s stressing about the journey, about what time to leave, about what food she’ll want and be able to get when she’s here, about the ceremony, about the reception, even about washing her hair before she comes. What can you say to that apart from make soothing noises and mostly useless things like “just try to do one bit at a time”? Her stress and anxiety contributes to her illness more than anything else half the time.
So anyway, that bummed me out last night and made me feel like I’m not looking forward to the wedding at all, which is really very sad when it’s my wedding day and it’s the only one I’m going to get. Probably, there’s always divorce I suppose, he has got weird feet.
And then Chris and I had a chat about it, which upset me because I know I’m having an effect on him and his ability to enjoy it all. Although he’s quite resilient and is likely just to say “well I’M going to enjoy myself”. But I do feel like I’m letting him down. He basically tried to remind me that I need to step back from Mum for this, as hard and as unusual as that is for me – otherwise I won’t be able to enjoy it, and I’ll likely regret it. I need to trust my Dad and brother to look after her, but it’s hard because I don’t really trust anyone to do anything; I just want to do everything myself so I know it’s done properly, and more importantly so that I know I’ve done all I can.
Oh well anyway. It’s Wednesday now, not long to go at all. I’m off work now for two and a half weeks, which is nice, and I’ve been getting on with some of my initial chores from the last stage of wedding preparation. I’ve been to Moss Bros to check my suit fits OK (and in doing so, to check our suits are there and ready), and it does and they are. So that’s good, my pigeon chest isn’t well suited to off-the-peg clothes half the time. I might pop round to the music equipment shop in a minute to ask a couple of contrived and relatively unimportant questions, but which will also allow me to check they haven’t forgotten our booking either. And then I need to blitz the flat so it’s clean for Chris’ cousins, and phone the two hotels in America to make sure they’ve still got our reservations too. So much to do already, and today is meant to be the “slow build up” day!